Family Marriage Messages - What are your's?

If you are married and have children, even if they are grown, what messages are you sending them about marriage?

During my first appointment with a new client couple, I often ask, "What kind of messages did you get from your families?" I know from my family, two important topics were often emphasized even if they were not always spoken: education and faith.

My father didn't finish high school (he got his GED in the Navy) but then he went on to take college courses and eventually received a Navy commission and retired as an officer. He would tell me, "Leanne, make sure you get a good education. It's something no one can take away from you." That message came through loud and clear and three college degrees later stand as a testament to that. On the topic of faith, not only was faith shown though prayer, but also through church attendance and helping others, being kind and showing our faith in both words and actions.

I will also ask my clients what messages they learned from their families about marriage. This tends to be a more difficult question. For those whose parents are still married, they may have learned to stick together no matter what, while remaining in love or even getting a “second wind” of love. Sometimes parents or grandparents, while remaining married, have continued to argue or not speak to one another for many years, showing their families that marriage isn't a happy or joyful union. Others, whose parents were never married or were divorced and never remarried, may not have had marriage models in their lives or have relied on the models of neighbors or friends or even television families to set the example for their marriages.

So what messages are you sending your children or others who are watching you? What are they learning from your marriage? Are they learning how to communicate with a spouse? How to effectively resolve conflict? How to make their marriage a priority?

If so, they are very fortunate! If not, you may want to consider attending a marriage seminar or working with a therapist to hone those skills. They can be learned and believe me, it's worth it not just for you, but also for generations to come.

All of us are examples to someone. Make sure the messages you are sending are the ones you want them to remember.