“I know you think you heard what I said, but what you heard might not have been what I meant"

We can’t not communicate. Even when we say nothing we are saying something. Just try going a week not speaking to your spouse or not replying when your boss asks you a question, and I guarantee you will have communicated something. But from my years as a therapist, I have observed people don’t often say what they really mean. Oh, he may “give her a piece of his mind” or she might “unload on him” or one or the other might be “brutally honest” but even then I’m rarely seeing people speak from the heart. Or speaking the truth in love.

What do I mean? Take these examples. “Why don’t you ever help with the housework? You are always so selfish!” Or, “I guess I won’t get to have any time to myself tonight since you decided to work late again and I have to do homework with the kids AGAIN.” Or, “I begged you for affection all last week and you were too busy to even touch me, so now you want sex? Tough. Go sleep in the guest room.”

So how could these situations be handled differently if the individuals spoke from the heart and said what they really meant? Or spoke the truth in love?

One important element to remember is to speak in a way that the other person will hear you. Several years ago I worked for one of the best bosses I ever had. But I knew I couldn’t pussyfoot around when I went in to talk to him, I had to get right to the point. He taught me how to communicate so the receiver would listen. That is important with spouses, friends, in the work place, everywhere. If you don’t speak in a way that the other person will listen to you, you have lost the communication battle. I have to adjust my communication style to the listener. With that in mind, let’s look at these three examples.

In the first case: “Why don’t you ever help with the housework. You are so selfish!” Do you think this wife really wants to know why her husband is not helping with the housework? Or do you think what she really wants is for him to help her? If it’s the latter, what might be a better way for her to approach this? Maybe she could say, “It feels like the housework isn’t shared fairly or equally. Could we discuss this and come up with a better plan? I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.” Also attacking him and calling him selfish probably isn’t going to build any good will and might escalate the argument. Better to leave that part out altogether.

In the second case we don’t have a question, but rather a sarcastic comment, almost the kind that could be made under one’s breath. What do you think this husband might be trying to say? It sounds to me like he needs a break, so maybe a better way to handle this would be to say, “I really need some time to recharge tonight on my own. Do you think you could get home on time so you could take over homework responsibilities so I could chill for a few hours?” If it’s not possible for the wife to get home on time that night, maybe she could offer the following night as an alternative, or work with him on some other compromise. But the point is, he tells her from his heart what is going on inside him, not with a sarcastic comment, but in a gentle and transparent way that allows them to remain connected.

The wife in the third case sounds like she is coming out of a place of hurt, and that is possibly fueling her anger and frustration. Does she have a right to feel hurt? Absolutely. Does she need to tell him she feels hurt because of his behavior? Yes. But she isn’t telling him that here, is she? She is expressing anger and “tit for tat” revenge. There’s a formula for expressing our feelings based on another’s behavior towards us: When you ______________, I feel/felt _____________. So in this case she could have said, “When you were too busy to show me any affection last week, I felt really hurt and I tried to tell you, but you didn’t listen. Now I feel angry. I want to fix this but I don’t know how. Just having sex right now is not going to work for me. I need you to know how your actions last week affected me.” Then hopefully the two of them can discuss the issue. But do you see how that is at least a more constructive way to approach the problem and closer to expressing what she really means?

So why don’t people say what they really mean or speak the truth in love to those they love?

Well, the first reason, I think, is habit. We are all creatures of habit and we have gotten into these patterns of behavior and patterns of saying things, especially with our spouses, that we do it without thinking. The trouble is, we need to think. If our spouse is the most important person in our lives we need to think very carefully about how we speak to him or her because we love them. We need to speak purposefully. If you are not doing that now, start today. Create a new habit of speaking purposefully to your spouse, just like you did when you were dating.

The second reason people don’t say what they mean or speak the truth in love is fear. Speaking from the heart makes one vulnerable to the other person, and, for some, that’s a scary place to be. It’s far easier to be sarcastic, snarky, angry, snippy, withdrawn, or even silent, than it is to be open, honest, and speak from a fearless heart. But it’s that very level of vulnerability that bonds a couple together. It’s that level of vulnerability of bonds families and friends. But it’s risky. Someone might take advantage of you and betray your trust. And yet that’s the risk we must take if we want a true level of intimacy.

And finally, I think another reason people shy away from saying what they mean is they don’t have the EQ or emotional intelligence to know what they feel or perhaps the vocabulary to articulate their thoughts. Sometimes when clients come into counseling, we need to do some remedial training in emotions. People are generally pretty good at identifying mad, sad, and happy, but some are not so good at the more nuanced emotions of conflicted, overwhelmed, agitated, irritable, annoyed, confused, numb, delighted, calm, joyful, etc. Once we start exploring those areas and giving words to their thoughts and emotions, it opens them up to a whole new way of talking about their experiences and they are better about saying what they mean.

Saying what we mean requires thoughtfulness, changing our habits, overcoming our fears, and perhaps learning a new way to think about our emotions, including increasing our emotional intelligence. When we talk with our spouses and others we love, especially about difficult topics, it is important that we think carefully about how we feel and express that in a way that the listener will hear. In other words, communication is not just a matter of opening our mouths and letting whatever is in there come out! We have to be thoughtful and purposeful about it. How will that change the way you communicate? Will you say what you really mean?

Take care!

Leanne