That Darn Worry Hole - What it is and how to get out of it!

A couple of years ago when my son was deployed with the Navy, I walked by the TV just in time to hear “Iran has anti-ship cruise missiles.” I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew my son’s ship was somewhere in the Middle East and possibly just off the coast of Iran. So I spent the next 20 minutes looking online at Navy sites, and wondering things like: if such a missile was fired, where it would hit on the ship? how much warning they would get? what is survivability rate? and how long it would take the Navy to contact me if he would injured?… or worse. In other words, I had fallen well and far down that worry hole. And I was even more worried and anxious than when I first heard the newscast.

How many of you have had similar “worry hole” experiences? Like when a loved one gets a call-back from a doctor telling them to come in the next day for a consult? Or a teen son is late getting home at night? Or your boss tells you she needs to see you about your performance? Or you have a presentation the next day that you’ve prepared for but still feel nervous about?

All of these situations can push us right over the lip of the worry hole, and before we know it, we are swirling in negative mire. But does it have to be that way? Is it all beyond our control? The answer is an emphatic NO!

Until about the 1960s, the accepted theory was that we couldn’t do very much about the way we feel whether it be depressed, anxious, etc., without the aid of some pretty strong medications. And then came the ground-breaking idea that the way we think affects the way we feel. Think about it for a moment (no pun intended.) If you continuously say to yourself, “I’m a loser, my opinions don’t count, or this is never going to work out, etc.,” do you think that is going to make you feel better or worse? What if a friend said that to you? Well, if a friend said that to me, I’m not sure I would want to be around him very much. If that’s the case, then why would we say things like that to ourselves? For that matter, why would we continue to say any of those negative things to ourselves?

If I have a choice about what I say to myself (which I do), then I can say something that’s either positive, neutral, or rational. So here’s are some examples:

1) The doctor calls and tells me to come in for a consult tomorrow. The nurse has no further information. I think, “Oh, no! It must be bad news!” Then I think, “Wait a minute, I’m not going to go down the worry hole. I don’t know what the news is. It might be bad news, but I will have to face it tomorrow. I’ll ask my husband/daughter/friend to go with me for support. I won’t borrow trouble.” (I might have to remind myself of this several times.)

2) I say to myself, “I’m so nervous about this presentation, I bet I’ll mess up and everyone will laugh at me!” Then I remember I can change my thoughts and I say, “No, Wait a minute. I prepared for the presentation I have tomorrow and I have rehearsed it. I know more about this topic than other people in the room. I may be a little nervous, but I will do fine. I can get a good night’s sleep and get there early. I know this material.” I can pray about it. I can remind myself about this several more times rather than worrying.

This is the basis of what is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is used to treat depression and anxiety, sometimes in conjunction with medications and sometimes with a therapist. But the basic principles are simple:

1. Recognize you are in the worry hole. You may be just stepping over the lip of the worry hole or swirling in the mire, but whenever you realize you are there, is your “Aha!” moment.

2. Thought-stopping. Stop the negative thoughts and negative self-talk. My code words to stop myself are “Wait a minute!” Others simply say, “STOP!” I have one client who says, “F*@#K!!” Whatever it takes, just stop.

3. Change the channel to more positive, rational or neutral self-talk (like the examples above). Sometimes you can’t say that everything will be fine because you don’t know. But you can say, “I’m doing the best I can right now.” Or “I’m not going to borrow trouble.”

Back to my story about the anti-ship missiles… When I realized I was swirling around in the mire, I said, “Wait a minute! That ship has a lot of defenses and the men and women on board know how to use them. I don’t need to figure this out and just make myself miserable.” (As a retired Naval officer myself, I knew that, but as a Mom, I had forgotten for a moment.) I also realized that I had no control over the situation anyway, and no amount of worry was going to change that. What I could do was pray, so I did. That didn’t keep me from finding myself in the worry hole a few more times, but I was able to employ that same talk-back each time, and it became easier each time I used it.

That’s the thing with CBT. It’s not a one and done, but rather something that needs to be practiced, like exercise for the emotions, and it will get easier with each use as you build those muscles.

The Worry Hole can be a trap, but by building up your mental and emotional muscles, you won’t have to get caught in it!

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a good day today.

Blessings,

Leanne